Sex — 17 October 2011
The Female Orgasm

Dr Gabrielle Morrissey gives a female reader advice on how to best achieve an orgasm.

(Q) I’ve never had an orgasm during sex. I love sex with my partner, but I feel that there is this amazing part that I’ve never experienced. I haven’t told my partner about my problem, because I’m embarrassed, but also because he’s such a caring and generous lover and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He thinks I can orgasm through manual and oral as well as intercourse, but the truth is I can only occasionally climax through manual stimulation, never through oral (I fake it) and absolutely never through intercourse (I don’t even get close). The problem is definitely with me. I think sometimes I get close to what feels like it might be nearing climax, but then I get anxious and can’t “let go”. Can you give me some advice?

(A) The inability to have an orgasm, or “let go”, is one of the most common sexual difficulties women face. Some women say they experience pleasure and stimulating muscle tension, but then it stalls. There is a lot more to sex than orgasm, so try to indulge in the sensual journey without pressuring yourself to climax. I know that can seem hard, especially when you have a strong desire to orgasm. But negative pressure can work against you and prevent you having one. Learning more about your own body and sexual response is just as crucial as learning how to “let go”. Sometimes, all it takes is a little less pressure and expectation, and a little more sexual education and sensual direction.

Female orgasm tips

1. Masturbate. Masturbation is a great way to learn about your unique sexual response. Share this insight with your partner, or use your knowledge of your body’s arousal patterns to guide yourself when you’re with them. While I don’t condone “faking it”, if you’re not ready to admit to faking, simply guide your partner to the types of touch you enjoy – he’ll like you taking the initiative. (If it works, then everyone is happy, and no confessions are necessary, unless you want to).

2. She should come first. Since intercourse isn’t directly responsible for reliable orgasms for women, if you orgasm before sex, you’ll be hovering at the peak of your arousal pattern and will be better able to climax again during sex. Expecting to move from the start of excitement to climax during sex (which lasts an average of 10 to 11 minutes) is unrealistic for most women.

3. Accessories. Racy toys include vibrators and lubricant. Many people don’t realize how important it is to add lubricant when using a toy. Without it, the heat and friction can cause pain, and the lubricant increases sensitivity.

4. Relax. Your brain is your most important sexual organ, so if orgasm is front and center on your brain, your cerebral response has hijacked your pleasure response. Distract yourself by changing positions or pleasuring your partner.

5. Meditate. Not during sex, at other times. Meditation helps you practice relaxation, breathing, positive focus, decreasing your distractions and letting go.

 

by Sex & relationship expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey (body+soul)

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