Sex — 01 October 2012
Help! My Partner Can’t Make Me Come!

Here’s a common problem; while you’re perfectly able to give yourself an orgasm, it’s virtually impossible for anyone else to make you come. Your climax during sex is almost always elicited by you controlling the rhythm, and even when your partner is going down on you, you often have to ‘lend a hand’ to get there.

It can happen to anyone; female or male, circumcised or uncircumcised, gay or straight, those who are single, and those in long-term relationships. The advice I have to offer is applicable to all in this awkward situation.

Why is it a problem?

You might not even feel like it’s a big deal – you satisfy your partner, and you’re fine satisfying yourself, so everyone’s happy, right?

Your partner may not be telling you this, but it is very likely that not being able to satisfy you troubles them. When one person is able to satisfy their partner, and the other isn’t, there is immediately a sense of imbalance in the relationship, and one partner is likely to feel inadequate as a lover. This might affect their self-confidence, and their enjoyment of sex in general. Your orgasm isn’t just about you – it’s something your partner deserves to be included in.

Why does it happen?

The most common cause is simply that one becomes fixated on the ‘right’ way to achieve orgasm. When we masturbate, we develop our own technique and (if we don’t keep our own activities varied) we can subconsciously start to think of this as the only possible way to make our body respond. When our partner fails to mimic our exact ministrations, something feels ‘off’ and we’re unable to achieve orgasm through their touch.

How do we fix it?

A lot of people try to fix this problem by teaching their partner to mimic the exact physical sensations that they find enjoyable. While there’s nothing wrong with telling a partner what you like, trying to make your partner memorize a precise series of movements can kill the mood and lead to a mentality that goes along the lines of ‘I’ll be able to come, once they’ve learned to do it the way I like it’. Just as everyone has their own style of handwriting, everyone has their own style of masturbation, and just as mimicking handwriting is next to impossible, it’s equally difficult to precisely replicate someone else’s masturbation style. For this reason, it’s as crucial to teach ourselves to enjoy various sensations as it is to be able to read other people’s handwriting!

The right way to deal with this particular problem is to break the habit and allow our bodies to rediscover and enjoy different touches. Think about your ‘masturbation routine’ and try to vary it up a bit. This takes practice, so it is important to do this as often as possible, and not try it once and go back to your usual ways.

How to mix it up: A first-timers guide to varying masturbation routine

For your first few goes, you should try to achieve orgasm on your own the following way.

  1. Set aside the time. It’s important to do this when you have time to spare; nothing kills the mood like expecting a phone call, or thinking you have to do the dishes afterwards.
  2. Get in the right mindset: don’t think too hard about coming – this is about learning to enjoy different touches, and if your focus is reaching orgasm quickly, it’s likely to be a frustrating rather than enjoyable experience.
  3. Lie on your back with your eyes closed, the first few times. It’s a relaxed position, and depriving yourself of eyesight helps you focus purely on touch.
  4. Explore your body; don’t just reach for the goods straight away! Touch parts of yourself you don’t usually trouble with when you’re alone; run your hands along your arms and legs, caress your neck, toy with your nipples. Your genitals are not your only erogenous zone, but neglecting the rest of your body can make it unresponsive over time. So take the time to wake up these forgotten hot points, and with time you’ll find that caressing your body only heightens your arousal, thus making you extra-responsive to all kinds of touches.
  5. Touch your genitals like a stranger would; when you touch someone for the first time, you’re hesitant, exploratory and experimental. Try to touch yourself like this. Don’t cheat by immediately going for the hand movements that you know and love. Use a new technique, and try to focus on enjoying a different touch.
  6. Take your time; when you go slowly, you’re able to think more consciously about what you’re doing, and unlikely to revert back into the automatic ‘method’ that you’re familiar with.
  7. Enjoy yourself; the most important thing to remember is that this is supposed to be fun. Don’t allow pesky frustration to get in the way with rediscovering your body. Always think about how good this feels, and with practice you will discover that your brain has actually started to reprogram itself into making your body respond to these touches (just like how eating something enough while telling yourself it’s delicious will actually lead to you enjoying that particular food!)

Varying your masturbation routine after getting stuck in a rut will probably feel unnatural and frustrating the first few times you attempt it. This is perfectly normal. Do not give up. If you can’t learn to enjoy your own different touch, the chances of learning to truly enjoy your lover’s touches are slim. Try to remember that you aren’t just doing this for yourself – you’re also doing it to achieve a stronger, more balanced sexual relationship with your significant other. Allowing your lover to give you pleasure is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give them, and will strengthen your bond with both your partner, and your own body.

 

By: Katherine Matthews

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(2) Readers Comments

  1. Wow. This is a really great article. Excellent tips and an interesting take on monotony in the bedroom. Thanks for the advice!

  2. So true. This is applicable to everyone, even people who don’t struggle to achieve orgasms.

    Most people leave the majority of their masterbatory experimentation to their youth, when they’re first cataloging their likes and dislikes. This is great at the time, but if you think about it, as you age and grow more experienced (particularly if you’ve had more than one sexual partner) you find yourself stumbling across new techniques or erogenous zones. Why not take the time to update your masterbation portfolio? If you can experiment your way to a new favorite technique with a partner, why not refresh your technique on your own? You never know what you might find.

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