Relationships — 13 October 2011
Sex, Dates and Other Things We Should Get on Top Of

Hello, Smitten Kittens! I want to tell you about how I got on top…and not just in the bedroom! It all started with this Q: Who should make the first move?

I’ve had this discussion many, many times with my girls. We all have. Traditionally (being Southern and African) my background has influenced me to take a backseat and wait for the man to make the moves. As much as a go-getter and achiever I am, culturally, I come from an environment where it’s inappropriate for me to be the aggressor in relationships.

This includes (but is not limited to):

  • Texting first
  • Calling first
  • Eye-flirting first
  • Leaning in to kiss first
  • And showing any interest whatsoever, first

Thus, I was the type of girl who would pine for YEARS!! months for one guy. I looked effortlessly devastating (not like I’d just spent three hours flat-ironing my hair) at the party he was going to, strategically placed myself by him and his friends and did the laugh/twirl hair move when he approached.

Me! The same girl who didn’t need a man to accomplish any other goals in life, was standing, twirling my curls anxiously, waiting for some guy to pass my Good Year desperation float. Needless to say, I was surprised when Scruffy (the b-friend) told me that sometimes guys like to be approached and even relinquish control of romantic pursuits. Guys find it sexy when a woman goes out of her way to be romantic, and he also said guys love when a woman takes control in the bedroom and knows how to please herself and her partner.

Unfortunately, though, many women have brought their reticence to be aggressive into the bedroom, with 53 percent of women in a 2010 study revealing they’re not having an orgasm during sexual relations.

In no way am I suggesting we should all be pushy control freaks and create all the romance, but I am saying we should play an active role in our own pleasure. Rather than waiting to be approached at the bar, go up to him. Please don’t stare at your phone for days, just text him to say “hi.” And for goodness sake, don’t just lay there, get on top.

We should remind men, every once in a while, that we can flip the switch and take control. Meanwhile, I’ll be planning Scruffy’s next sexy date night with me!

Do you ever plan date nights for your man? How do you take control in your relationships? Does he love it when you’re ‘on top’?


by Danielle Kwateng (Glamour)

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